Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
