I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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