I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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