i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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