why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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