my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
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