So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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