I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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