she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Randomize
