y did u give ur computer a hand job?
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
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