he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
