Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
