Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
