Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
