he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
