my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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