i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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