My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize