its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
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