It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize