She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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