I didn't shave. On purpose
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
