I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
