Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
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The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
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The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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