using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
