You don't have asthma, your pregnant
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
