You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
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