Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
