I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
