I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
