I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Randomize
