my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I look better un-naked...
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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