Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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