I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Randomize
