Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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