the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
