allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
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