I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
