evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Randomize
