tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
