There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Let's paint friendship bongs
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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