my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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