Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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