If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
what day is it and did you see me today?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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