Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
