you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
