i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
