So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
