How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
