watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
