I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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