i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
