He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
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