she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
