I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Randomize
