There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
