I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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