great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
