It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
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I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
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Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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