if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
