Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
