Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
