I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Someone shattered a urinal.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
