i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
