Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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